Friday, March 29, 2013

The Pros and Cons of Danny DeKeyser*

This analysis is brought to you by a guy who knows nothing about Danny DeKeyser. Well, I do know some things about him. I know he's 23, a highly prized prospect across the NHL and the Red Wings got him. I know he's 6'3 tall and just shy of 200 lbs. We've seen the comments from the analysts on his smarts, his mobility, his breakout passes and his maturity.

Although to be terribly honest, he looks like a guy who would fart in your cereal when you're not looking
We won't know how good he is until he gets games under his belt at the NHL level. Hell, we probably won't know until midway through the next season. That is, of course, unless you can read the intangibles. I'm consulted with oracle bones, a ouija board and some ground up dollar hot dogs to pierce through the fabric of the cosmos to reveal the truth. 

This guide could also be named "The Penultimate Guide for Ty Schalter and Similar People Who Just Heard About Danny DeKeyser Today"

1: His Name - He's an adult who goes by Danny. I get not wanting to be called Daniel - I go by Mike casually because Michael is formal and sorta awkward for social settings - but Danny is for children and guys who are the subject of bittersweet Irish folk songs. Not to mention we have a Danny already and plus, there's this one guy at work who guys by Danny and he's a cock.

I mean, seriously, Wingels?
Also, I'm not wild about "DeKeyser". Is it "Dee-kee-zer?" or "Day-Kee-zer" or "Da-Kaiser?" which is a little too Von Bismark for my tastes. And don't tell me this shit doesn't matter. There are guys who I wouldn't want on the Red Wings based purely on their names. Such as Grant Clitsome, Cal Clutterbuck, Guillaume Latendress, B.J. Crombeem, Rob Klinhammer, Mark-Edouard Vlasic and the latest addition, Tommy fuckin' Wingels. 

Minus 10 Points, Danny Boy.

2: Jersey Number #65 - I like my defensemen's jersey numbers like I like Jimmy Howard's goal against average - low. 65 breaks with all conventional wisdom regarding jersey numbers in the NHL. Your defensemen are numbered from one to the high twenties, with a few forwards allowed to be scattered in there. Your Brendan Shanahans, your Pavel Datsyuks, your Martin Lapointes, etc. From the high twenties to your high thirties, you have your goaltenders. The 40's and 50's are a crap shoot and everything above that is reserved for your forwards. 65 for a defenseman is doin' it wrong.

But he did wear #5 in college. 

Plus 5 points (Net -5)

3: Location - He's from Michigan, which is like plus ten points, the Detroit area, which is another 10 points, but not from South Detroit, because South Detroit is Canada, which is minus 10 points for Steve Perry.

However, he fielded offers from teams not named the Detroit Red Wings and made us wait before signing. As a kid who grew up being a Red Wings fan, and as a prospect who we knew was watching the free agency stuff this year, he should have known better than to fuck with the emotions of Red Wings following the Suter, Parise, Schultz fiascos. 

Minus 30 points (Net -35)

4: College - As a Central Michigan University alumni (Fire Up, Chips!) I'm supposed to hate the guy, him being from our rival school, the Western Michigan University Broncos (Boooo!) But here's the thing - I couldn't care less about college sports. I'm one of those people who thinks college is for getting an education and that college sports detract from that goal and from money that could go to educational endeavors. I acknowledge this puts me starkly at odds with like 99% of the United States, especially during March Madness.

I think the deciding factor is that Central-Western weekend was just an awful time to be in Mount Pleasant, even when the game was away. So...

0 Points (Net -35)

5: All of that stuff that we've all read about him by journalists

Plus 20 points (Net -15)

6: We got him when 29 other teams wanted him, and he signed with us



  1. At CMU did they teach you the proper usage of by and buy? -50 points

    1. They did. They also taught me to proof read better. But I had a bad case of the lazy after work. Thanks for pointing it out and the comments.

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  3. Here .. I can help you accept his number choice. In fact you will not only accept it .. you will like it! The 6 is the original 6 teams (one of which he is now part of) and the 5 .. well, that is King Lidstrom's number! It will soon be in the rafters so he will be looking up at it and will be inspired to play in a way that does it justice.