Saturday, March 31, 2012

Wrath of the Titans: Red Wings Edition

As I had posted before, I wasn't going to get to watch the Red Wings/Nashville game last night because of my wife and mine's date night. Now, I would never claim anywhere that my wife might read it that hockey was more important than my lovely wife. But I can at least take solace in the fact that at least I didn't miss the game where Jimmy Howard scores a hat trick and Gary Bettman is sacrificed at center ice to appease the hockey gods.

As far as I'm concerned, these are two identical pictures
I hear that the NHL is trying to encourage teams and players to save energy for one hour as a part of the global "Earth Hour" campaign. It hasn't occurred to many fans around the league that, with the exception of the most recent home game against Columbus, most of the Detroit Red Wings players have been using way less energy for weeks now. Like so many things in the NHL, the Red Wings are leading the way. But I digress, because the fact of the matter is I can't do a super great job reviewing the Wings' 4-1 loss against Nashville since I didn't watch the game. The most recent thing I watched was Wrath of the Titans. But I can't really review that, because it's a movie, and not hockey. Hrm...I've got it!

A Brief Summary of the Movie "Wrath of the Titans"
Using the Detroit Red Wings

(While I don't intend on telling a lot of details about the movie, there may be spoilers for the movie. So don't click the read more page break if you don't want to possibly have details about the movie revealed)

Scene 1: Nondescript beach somewhere in Greece. Random fisherman wearing worn, tattered Hartford Whalers jerseys. Enter Perseus Datsyuk, hero. He wanders down to the water's edge and catches way more fish in spectacular fashion, embarrassing nearby fishers and Marty Turco. He heads back to his modest dwelling, because even by ancient Greek standards, Datsyuk is fucking humble. He steps inside and encounters Nick...Zeus...Lighntingstrom... it's Zeus played by Nicklas Lidstrom

Lidstrom: "Perseus, my son..."
Datsyuk: "Wait...Datsyuk ees son of Lidstrom? Eh, this senses makes more than most sentences I speech"
Lidstrom: "Yeah, listen. The Titans are looking to break out of where we imprisoned them. As it turns out, expecting Ty Conklin to protect anything for too long ends poorly. I could handle this myself, but individual efforts can only get you so far. For success we need to have a team, working together, supporting each other and progressing towards a common goal."
Datsyuk: "But to move forward, would mean I would be upping the one of everyone else. I can only so many times that"
Lidstrom: "Look, I'm a god. 7 Norris Trophy's god. So how about you feign like you're not going to get involved, some dramatic stuff will happen, and you will reluctantly take on the task. Sorta like having Todd Bertuzzi as a line mate."

The Staal Brothers Monster attacks, and Datsyuk reluctantly takes on the task Lidstrom charged him with. Meanwhile, Lidstrom travels to Toronto to try to keep the Titans from escaping. 

Didn't see this shit coming, didjya? 
Scene 2: The "War Room in Toronto". Lidstrom arrives to meet his companions Niklas Kronwall-siden and  Brad Stuart, who is Aries in this review. They approach Hades, played by Ralph Fiennes, who despite an impressive body of acting work gets casted as the bad guy in everything because he was Voldemort. 

Lidstrom: "Hades, I need you to put aside your differences and help us keep Chronos and the Titans from escaping. A lot of these Titans are dangerous Titans because they have nothing to lose. They're fighting with a lot of enthusiasm and energy and it makes it tough for opponents"

Before Hades can respond, Brad Stuart comes in with a huge body check on Lidstrom.

Lidstrom: "Brad! How could you!? We won a Stanley Cup together! How could you be so reckless and help our enemies beat us!?
Stuart: "It was 33 degrees with hail and fucking snow yesterday, Nick! Do you know what it was in Los Angeles?! SIXTY SEVEN AND SUNNY, NICK! IN MARCH! IT WAS 70 IN SAN JOSE!"

Kronwall is forced to retreat because Stuart had his head up. Hades and Stuart wrap an enchanted "Deep Contusion" chain around Lidstrom's ankle. Meanwhile, Datsyuk searches for people to help him.

Scene 3: An inescapable jail where men are sent to and locked up in when they are no longer needed. So probably Ottawa or possibly Edmonton. In the corner, Datsyuk finds a beard locked in chains. It turns out to be Henrik Zetterberg. 
This blew my fuckin' mind when I thought of it.
Datsyuk: Hank! I'm over-joyous to find you! 
Zetterberg: "Perseus! Finally I can be free of here! Turns out in Greece making people wear these god awful bathing suits to a wedding celebration really is a "fashion crime" and they take fashion crimes really seriously here. I just hope you can convince Queen Andromeda to free me and accompany us on our journey"
Filppula: "Guys, why do I have to play the chick character, this is so humiliating"
Datsyuk: "Ha ha! I laugh because you are pretty like girl!"

The three leave and set off to continue the epic journey, coming across the guy who played Slartibartfast in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy movie. I know everyone is always like, "Hey he's the Minister of Magic in Harry Potter!" or "That's the guy from Hot Fuzz!" when they see Bill Nighy. But fuck you. He's Slartibartfast. Deep within the Labyrinth, Datsyuk is forced to fight against one of the most fearsome foes thus far. Standing inbetween Datsyuk and the door leading out, standings a hulking force, heavily armored, face scarred from many battles.

Datsyuk: "Holmstrom? What are you doing here?"
Holmstrom: "MOOOOOOORRRAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Datsyuk: "I need to get passage by. Can please move, yes?"
Holmstrom: "NNNNNNNOOOOOOOMMMMMOOOOOORGHAAAAAAAA!"
Datsyuk: "But obstruction to me. Must get to goal"
Holmstrom: "Well, my friend, you see by standing in front of the net, I serve a dual purpose. Firstly, I can disrupt the attempts of those behind me from using their vision to their benefit. It assists in allowing shots fired on net to be more successful, as well as providing deflections. Secondly, I am present to flail wildly at rebounds and possibly get second or third chances on net. I admit that my work has brought a lot of ire from official and opponents, alike, but this is an honorable calling that I take with the utmost of serio-"

Holmstrom's eloquent speech is obstructed by a Datsyukian check. 

Having freed Lidstrom from the clutches of his captors, we prepare for an epic battle. Zetterberg and Filppula rush to join the rest of the team to hold off the rush of Titans streaming towards their goal. Datsyuk meanwhile races ahead to get much needed Conn Smythe Trophy stolen from Lidstrom, to be combined with Hades' pitch fork and the piece of Martin Havlat's soul that Kronwall carries around with him to be combined in the ultimate weapon: The Stanley Cup.

Datsyuk meets Stuart at Joe Louis Arena, to battle for possession of Lidstrom's Conn Smythe trophy.

Stuart: "So you came. Well I have a surprise for you, Perseus. I brought your son here to watch me destroy you!"

Stuart leads out Gustav Nyquist, holds him close, and leers in an oddly disturbing way. I hate to say it, but I think Brad Stuart is going to rape Gustav Nyquist. Seriously, it was weird in the movie.

Datsyuk: "Brad Stuart ees bad guy? And he wants fight for someone else? Does he not know thees work?"

Stuart and Datsyuk fight, with Datsyuk beating Stuart worse than he beat Corey Perry. Gustav watches as Datsyuk assembles the Stanley Cup out of the lesser trophies. He then mounts his flying horse Johan Franzen and flies to bring down a rampaging Chronos. Below, a revived Nicklas Lidstrom is firing slap shots at Chronos.

Franzen: "Why am I Pegasus?" 
Datsyuk: "Because you The Mule, yes?"

Franzen whinnies, Datsyuk defeats Chronos in a very anti-climactic deux ex machina sort of way - like seriously, there's this huge epic battle going on that you see glimpses of, with bits and pieces of Zeus, Hades, Andromeda and others kicking ass or getting their ass kicked, and fucking Perseus just flies up and tosses a spear, and boom, game over - and returns the heroic victor once more. 

Our movie comes to a close with Datsyuk, holding the sword that brought him through so many great moments of his career, standing next to Nyquist. He finally hands the sword, which looks suspiciously like a hockey stick in this recreation, to young Nyquist.

Nyquist: "It's heavy"
Datsyuk: "Yes. Is too heavy?"
Nyquist: "No"

The End

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